Sickly Shenanigans

The thing about messing around in the kitchen when you are sick is that your brain starts whirling around inside your head without paying any attention to logic, reason, or, heaven forbid, basic culinary or human decency.

I soaked a whole small bag of chickpeas a few days ago, and, as is the way of chickpeas when they engorge themselves, now have enough to feed a battalion.  I thought "Aha!  I can post a hummus recipe!  It will keep until I am well, so I do not even need to eat it today, and all can be well."  It really is an exceptionally good hummus recipe when done properly, so I cannot explain what came over me this morning.

First of all, I feel that I should mention that sesame oil, while it theoretically has the same origin as tahini, which is sesame paste, does not taste the same.  Even if your brain is crazy enough to think that this is, in theory, quite possible, all such delusions dissolve when you taste your hummus made with four cups of chickpeas and find that your hummus tastes strangely Asian in this disturbing way in which it is also Mediterranean and wrong.  And nothing can save it.

It is sitting in my fridge now, in shame.  There is so much of it that throwing it away would be like starving an entire third-world country.  Please note that nothing can take the place of real tahini.  Especially sesame oil.

Another idea that is not of the best is to make bread with leftovers in your pantry and to believe that a loaf made of 3 cups of flour and 1 1/2 cups of ground flaxseed will hold together once baked.  I have crumbles on  my cutting board.

However, however, the absolute worst idea when you already have tangible proof that your brain is going off the goofy end and that it would probably be a better idea to boil electricity in your mouth, you should NOT start emailing your professors about why it is a bad idea for you to come in.  I give you these two emails, because I still cannot believe I clicked the "send" button.

I feel that this may be a result of running through the cold, with a cold, on Tuesday morning to catch the bus so as to get to school twice, but said cold has bloomed into a pile of something pretty sickly and disgusting that should not be exposed to other people lest they run screaming from the feverish snot-monster.  I think I am going to stay home, with your permission, and groggily contemplate the prospect of yet another pot of tea in hopes that this one, THIS ONE, will magically clear everything up.  

If this persists and keeps me away from school for a really unreasonable amount of time, I want to wish you and all the shop girls a very merry Christmas/cheerful winter vacation/happy nondenominational holiday.

Fine, as far as it goes.  A little crazed, but not actually, you know, certifiably insane.  I could come back in to work and pretend, with a winning smile, that this was me trying to be funny.  However, my dearly beloved boss responded very kindly and said something about the feverish snot-monster.  Against all good sense, I thought that it would be polite to reply.

I feel more that the feverish snot-monster is taking over me rather than the opposite:  I am writing goofy things I do not think I would ever write in a normal state of mind, like "feverish snot-monster" instead of "I am ill yet inexplicably dignified and by no means completely ludicrous as well as disgusting".  

And then, then I actually wrote something that I just reread and realized could sound like an actual threat if taken the wrong way.  Like, the threat that I would show my disgusting and ludicrous face.

<3 Miss you.

I am considering holding seminars on what not to do when you are sick.  It will involve a lot of amusingly edited clips from a camera that will just follow me around for about three days straight.  

Now, I think a soothing thing to do might be to combine wine and codeine.  

What horrifically ridiculous things have you done when you are sick?

Oh, so sick...

Oh, the onset of winter and the looming doom of final exams!  I'm curled up on the couch right now, hating life, hating my scratchy throat, and especially hating the knowledge that I have a three-page paper to write by tomorrow at five, that I have to present a Shakespeare history scene at 9 AM, and that I have another 15-page paper due in a week.

But three things I don't hate, not at all, are the adorable kitty curled up on my lap and making it impossible for me to move, the existence of College Inn culinary broth, and the boyfriend who is lovingly beetling back and forth from me to the stove to refill my cup of soup.  

My mother discovered this broth last year, when I was miserably ensconced at her house for 11 days of a bout of swine flu that lasted all Thanksgiving week and royally ticked me off.  I was not okay with eating anything, and tea was getting boring after about day 4, so she scoured Publix for something more interesting that did not involve actual pieces of food that I would have to eat.  (No, this is not nutritionally sound.  At all.  But when you're down with swine flu, all you care about is unstopping your nose with steam and not giving yourself more food that will just nauseate you.)  

She came home with two magical cartons of broth.  I had always thought that cooking broth came in four different varieties:  chicken, beef, fish, and vegetable.  (Apparently also turkey, though.)  However, College Inn has taken this to a whole new level and has created 32-oz cartons of savory goodness called, respectively in order of awesomeness, Thai Coconut Curry and White Wine & Herb.  

Yes, these involve a lot of sodium, and their base is chicken stock, so they're not vegan or even vegetarian.  But for anyone even the smallest bit flexible, they're amazing when you're flat on your back with a cat on your head and wishing you could fast-forward to a week later, like DirectTV.  But I water them down by half, heat on the stove, and clutch cup after cup of this like they're liquid gold, because I'd be just as upset if I accidentally spilled either.  

The Thai Coconut Curry includes coconut, curry, garlic, soy sauce, and coriander.  Other ingredients are listed on the website.  It's got a fun kick at the back of your mouth that's a little spicy, even when it's watered down, but it doesn't hurt a sore throat unless you are drinking gallons of it. 

The White Wine & Herb has Chablis wine, oregano, thyme, rosemary, apple cider vinegar, onion extract, and a decent amount of salt.  Yes, there is an unhealthy amount of sodium in both.  But I tell myself that if I'm watering it down with a lot of filtered water and a whole lot of tea, things will be fine.  You know, you hear that you should not drink too much or you will flush necessary salt reserves right out of your system?  Same idea.  Sort of. 

These two, combined with quite a lot of Temple of Heaven Gunpowder Green Tea, make being sick quite bearable.  However, the presence of a warm cat on your feet does quite a lot to lift your spirits, too.