Thursday, December 9, 2010

Sickly Shenanigans

The thing about messing around in the kitchen when you are sick is that your brain starts whirling around inside your head without paying any attention to logic, reason, or, heaven forbid, basic culinary or human decency.

I soaked a whole small bag of chickpeas a few days ago, and, as is the way of chickpeas when they engorge themselves, now have enough to feed a battalion.  I thought "Aha!  I can post a hummus recipe!  It will keep until I am well, so I do not even need to eat it today, and all can be well."  It really is an exceptionally good hummus recipe when done properly, so I cannot explain what came over me this morning.

First of all, I feel that I should mention that sesame oil, while it theoretically has the same origin as tahini, which is sesame paste, does not taste the same.  Even if your brain is crazy enough to think that this is, in theory, quite possible, all such delusions dissolve when you taste your hummus made with four cups of chickpeas and find that your hummus tastes strangely Asian in this disturbing way in which it is also Mediterranean and wrong.  And nothing can save it.

It is sitting in my fridge now, in shame.  There is so much of it that throwing it away would be like starving an entire third-world country.  Please note that nothing can take the place of real tahini.  Especially sesame oil.

Another idea that is not of the best is to make bread with leftovers in your pantry and to believe that a loaf made of 3 cups of flour and 1 1/2 cups of ground flaxseed will hold together once baked.  I have crumbles on  my cutting board.

However, however, the absolute worst idea when you already have tangible proof that your brain is going off the goofy end and that it would probably be a better idea to boil electricity in your mouth, you should NOT start emailing your professors about why it is a bad idea for you to come in.  I give you these two emails, because I still cannot believe I clicked the "send" button.

I feel that this may be a result of running through the cold, with a cold, on Tuesday morning to catch the bus so as to get to school twice, but said cold has bloomed into a pile of something pretty sickly and disgusting that should not be exposed to other people lest they run screaming from the feverish snot-monster.  I think I am going to stay home, with your permission, and groggily contemplate the prospect of yet another pot of tea in hopes that this one, THIS ONE, will magically clear everything up.  

If this persists and keeps me away from school for a really unreasonable amount of time, I want to wish you and all the shop girls a very merry Christmas/cheerful winter vacation/happy nondenominational holiday.

Fine, as far as it goes.  A little crazed, but not actually, you know, certifiably insane.  I could come back in to work and pretend, with a winning smile, that this was me trying to be funny.  However, my dearly beloved boss responded very kindly and said something about the feverish snot-monster.  Against all good sense, I thought that it would be polite to reply.

I feel more that the feverish snot-monster is taking over me rather than the opposite:  I am writing goofy things I do not think I would ever write in a normal state of mind, like "feverish snot-monster" instead of "I am ill yet inexplicably dignified and by no means completely ludicrous as well as disgusting".  

And then, then I actually wrote something that I just reread and realized could sound like an actual threat if taken the wrong way.  Like, the threat that I would show my disgusting and ludicrous face.

<3 Miss you.

I am considering holding seminars on what not to do when you are sick.  It will involve a lot of amusingly edited clips from a camera that will just follow me around for about three days straight.  

Now, I think a soothing thing to do might be to combine wine and codeine.  

What horrifically ridiculous things have you done when you are sick?