Saturday, October 30, 2010

Anthropologie Winter Discoveries

Anthropologie, you slay me.  I cannot function with your website trying to love me like this.  We just had a very expensive affair and you are not good for me.  You make me feel stunning and glorious but you also make me feel so poverty-stricken that I should go huddle in a shed among power tools and dead squirrels and go chew on half a rock because I cannot even afford a fifty-cent bag of Apple-Os.

Anthropologie, do you not understand this problem?  You are gnawing at my life support, and you are so irresistible that I actually want you to do it.  For the love of mercy, you cretin, stop making such cute clothing!

For example, stop making me want to move to a much more expensive loft with factory windows so I could showcase ridiculously expensive curtains like the Kediri Curtain so that they would glow in fresh morning sunlight.  Apparently, you can also hang these curtain panels upside down.  Isn't that brilliant?

But, for the love of God, please just trash this gorgeous olive Everything-In-Place Cape, which is clearly just rubbish and nothing that I would ever want to wear day in and day out.  It's even got a cute plaid lining.  How could you imagine that anyone would be attracted to this?  I sense insanity in the marketing department.

Besides, this Cassandra Cape is just ridiculous.  Who would want to go out to dinner feeling like a French style icon?  Who, I ask you?  That's right.  Nobody.  Nobody wants to don this over a pair of sexy bluejeans, some brightly sparkling earrings and some heeled boots and walk down a snowy street like they own the world.  Pssht.

The same goes for this Le Soir Magnifique Coat.  Why would anyone want to wear a stylish, swinging black coat showcasing slim legs, making a graceful walk effortless, and conveying undeniably alluring hints of 1940s glamour?  Especially since it looks so comfortable you could live in it?  Why?  Sometimes I think these designers take us for numbskulls.

And this.  This!  This Crowley Coat is ridiculous!  It's only the classiest throwback to the 1960s I've ever seen, coupled with the intense fear that, should you wear it, you would spill tomato sauce on only the white parts.  Ridiculous.  Bring us something more worthy of our admiration!  Anthropologie, I challenge you to do better!

...Like, aha, yes, maybe the Andrick Coat, a chic asymmetrical piece of red and black wool winter perfection that carries a flavor of imperial Russian fashion.  I don't know what to do.  What have I gotten myself into?  Why am I looking at these?  What is going ON with my subconscious?  Thank goodness I made the cat sit on my wallet for safekeeping.

Well.  It's not important.  Let's steer away from coats, because clearly they are dangerous substances, like crystal meth, and I don't want my basement or my checking account to explode.  Let's take a look at the Caidal Top instead, because clearly nothing for merely $68 could possibly look cute enough to tempt me after that slew of coats...not that it doesn't look gloriously cute, swingy, comfortable, and not that it comes in a wine-red color that would go brilliantly with my skin tone...practically everyone's skin tone...

No!  No!  Maybe dresses?  Let's look at dresses!  I barely ever buy dresses!  Yes!  Let's check out this Spinning Lace Dress and mock its gorgeous vintage lace overlay and its sweet combination of black trim with ivory, and imagine the skirt as it romantically swings out were I to spin sweetly on my tiptoes--

Oh, Lord, I don't know where I'm going.  I'm wandering in a dazed pattern now and practically falling over, were it not for this one helpful doorframe that seems to be my upright support and also the entryway to a mystical place marked shoes...and the Caladoc Heels, which rise 4.75" high with a stacked heel.  Grape suede and a dark straw platform.  Lace-up oxfords taken to the next level, and that level is heaven.

But then I turn to see the Forest Flower Oxfords, and I crumple in submission.  Forest-green (suede?) leather oxfords with rosettes and a stacked 4" heel, the emerald color of my dreams, the price of my nightmares.  I give in, Anthropologie.  Just take me.  Violate me!  Violate my wallet!  Frighten the cat away who is trying to eat my wallet and let me give you everything I own!  You win.  You do.  Until your fashion will live in my wardrobe, and then I will win.  Eternally.  Because that is how well I intend to take care of this season which is clearly emanating down to earth as the breath of angels.

I think maybe Trader Joe's shouldn't sell such good wine for $5.49 a bottle.  ;)